


internalizing it all

by Kae27



Category: Sad - Fandom, Suicidal - Fandom, depression - Fandom
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2017-05-26
Packaged: 2018-11-04 23:41:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11001441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kae27/pseuds/Kae27
Summary: basically this is about a depressed, suicidal kid. This story is written in the form of a journal/ diary. okay idk what else to write peace out girl scout.





	internalizing it all

piece of shit i call a book or story idk man??

10/10/17   
Dear Diary, This is my journal for all my thoughts for everything i've been feeling lately. lately meaning the past month or two. no one is going to be reading this so i won't be holding back. anyways my name is ezra by the way but i'm a nobody so you probably won't be needing that.  
10/11/17   
look i'm going to skip that dear diary shit let's talk about me mental health. my depression is award winning if they had an award show just dedicated to mental illness my depression would be the beyoncé of all other mental illness. i have friends i guess. i have one or two close friends and then i have people who are kinda my friends i guess. the thing is i try not to tell my friends what's going on with me ya know mentally because i don't want them to worry about me it's not fair to them. if my friends ask me what's wrong i say nothing or i say i'm fine because how could i possibly tell them that i want to die when they have their own stuff going on. i guess that brings us to our next point i'm pretty sure i'm suicidal. now before you freak out i'm okay i guess. actually fuck being okay i'm a fucking mess pretending to be okay. part of me wishes i could talk to my friends any of them because maybe i wouldn't be considering actually killing myself no one will care at least i don't think they will. i don't think if anyone knew that they would try to stop me or do anything. I could reach out to one of my friends but the part when they say "idk what say i'm sorry" that part is what i'm scared of because at the end of the day i just want to know someone is there for me and i can talk to someone. i wish one of my friends actually just told me they cared about me ya know? i don't need the long paragraph it would just be nice to be reminded every now and then again. maybe i sound like someone who just wants attention but i don't. i just want one of my friends to care about me. i just want someone to care about me. i just want to not feel alone. welp anyways i gotta go i'll add more on this tomorrow. goodnight diary. shit i'm turning into one of those people who talk to their diary like it's a real person. fuck i'm weird man.  
10/12/17   
i hate life. i don't want to talk to anyone today i don't want to text anyone today and i sure as hell don't want to write in this fucking journal.   
10/13/17  
okay so basically i hate myself. i don't hate myself to the point where i make it very known i hate myself in every way shape and form but i don't really make it known. let me give you some examples i try not to look in the mirror and if i do i focus on one thing and that one thing is never my face. my face is really ugly okay? another thing i do is i don't really take pictures. i hate pictures because then your ugliness is captured. man i wish i wasn't so fucking ugly. being ugly sucks but at least then people don't except as much from you. also you know what people i fucking hate? the people that are really pretty and they call themselves ugly i guess that brings us to the topic of addison. fucking addison he's my best friend don't get me wrong but he's gorgeous i'm not in love with him or any bullshit like that. addison is what you'd call a grade A panty dropper. when he walks by girls practically fall in love with him. except there is one problem with that sentence he's gay. he's so fucking gay that when he shits sparkles come out of his ass. now i don't have an issue with him being gay or anything love is love right? i just really fucking hate when he calls himself ugly. if he's so ugly then why does he post a selfie of himself on Instagram twice a day? like what the fuck. he knows he's not ugly he just does it to hear the compliments and that's shitty of him. because some of us walk around this earth feeling like we are worthless and that we're ugly pieces of shit who don't deserve to live. some of us walk around with the idea of suicide in our head becoming more and more real, more and more possible. fuck it's certainly an option for me right now.  
10/20/17  
Look i haven't written in a while. but anyways i know someone will find this journal when i'm gone so this is where my suicide note is going to be written okay? alright let's begin shall we. Dear whoever is reading this, i'm sorry you found this but i felt like i was being a dick by leaving without anything at all. I'm leaving because i can't do this anymore. You're probably asking yourself what am i referring to and why i didn't talk to anyone about how i'm feeling. let's start with the last question just to be a different eh? i didn't go to anyone because i didn't want to bother you or anyone else. I really wanted to but i felt like it wasn't okay for me to say anything to tell anyone at all. plus none of my friends care about me so what's the point. like idk i feel like maybe they care about me but not enough to tell me that i need to stay on this earth. i don't think any of my friends think wow like i miss ezra. so i just feel fucked i really needed someone and i didn't anyone. i'm not blaming anyone because i could've went to someone. i love all of my friends i really do. i'm just going to take a super extended long nap just think of it that way. also whoever is reading this tell addison my best friend the person i spend most school days with the person who can usually make me feel better, that i'm super fucking sorry and i love him. if i get into heaven i'll watch over him ok? tell him that for me. fuck i'm not supposed to cry. i just need to get it over with okay bye. i'm really fucking sorry. love you.  
10/21/17  
i'm pissed off okay? my fucking mom came home last night before i could get the pills out of her room. so basically i'm stuck on this earth for one more day. i'm going to try to talk to addison and hint it at him what's going on maybe it's worth staying. i'll be back after i'm done talking to him. *an hour later* so i talked to addison and i'm pretty sure he doesn't even fucking want me here. this is what our conversation basically was. me: hey addison can i talk to you about something? addison: yeah bud what's up? me: i feel super shifty and i'm probably going to stay up. i don't wanna be here anymore life sucks. A: that's how life is. if life doesn't suck it isn't life. me: idk i think it would be easier if i was gone. sometimes when i wake up in the morning i think i wish i would have killing myself last night it would be easier. A: that sucks :/  
me: yeah it does idk i think i'm done with life A: alright you be done. goodnight ezra.   
you see he doesn't fucking care. i can't wait till tomorrow. i'm going to get the pills as soon as i get home. it's clear no one cares. i stay up late every night and only get one or two hours of sleep because i'm trying not to relapse and tying not to kill myself. but in the end it doesn't matter and no one care. fuck me fuck everything. i've never been so alone. how can i be so numb yet feel everything at once? i'm a dumb fuck that's why. if someone is reading this journal and i'm gone please if you're scared someone you know is going to commit suicide or they're supper depressed let them know you care about them or pretty soon they might be gone. even if you ask them straight out are you thinking of killing yourself? it's better then sweeping it all under the rug. this is probably my last entry goodbye world. i can't wait to be gone it's going to stop all the pain.  
um hey? look this isn't uh ezra. it's addison and i found your note book ezra. you dropped it when you were trying to avoid me today and i was trying to catch up to you. i'm not going to read your shit because that's your own business but i'm just writing in here to ask you why did you avoid me today? then when i finally caught up to you, you put both of your headphones in. that's how i know you're upset because that means you don't want anyone to talk to you. you're really fucking selfish ezra. you walk around like ew i hate people and then you wonder why everyone hates you and people tell you to kill yourself. who fucking avoids their best friend. i guess we aren't really best friends. fuck you ezra i'm done with your bull shit you're selfish and you act like you're better then everyone else. bye. don't ever fucking talk to me again. you're irrelevant to my life. i don't care if you're about to die i don't care if your mom is forcing you to. don't talk to me bye  
10/23/17  
well wasn't that an amazing surprise from addison? i'm not even going to talk about it because fuck him. if he can let go of me that easily and not know me enough to know something is wrong maybe he isn't a real friend. anyways today i had to go to school to get back my notebook. this whole thing has been dragged out for days which is bull because it was only supposed to take a small amount of time. today kaylee came up to me and she goes what's wrong? and i looked at her and i was like what the what?? now my heart is racing filled with anxiety. how could she know something was wrong. i don't know if i should run or if i should pretend like everything is okay. i asked her how could she possibly know something is wrong with me? and she told me that she could just tell i mean kaylee and i haven't been friends for very long but i guess she's kind of figured me out. today she kept doing this thing where she kept looking at me and every time i said what kaylee? why do you keep looking at me? she goes because i just need to make sure you're okay. wow maybe someone actually fucking does care yanno? even if she does care then there isn't a point in me staying. like i would just be a burden to her. i can't tell her my problems because then she might go to someone. i can't tell her that i relapsed the other night. she knows i used to cut but i don't want to disappoint her. i don't know kaylee is a great friend i just don't see the point in staying. maybe i'll give it a chance. today is tuesday. i'm going to do it on friday. that will give me some time to give away a few things and make sure i leave everything nice and neat and easy for my mom to take care of.  
10/31/17  
fuck it's halloween and i still haven't done it. see how weak i am? but let me tell you something kaylee and i have gotten extremely close and i really like having her around. let me describe her to you. she is androgynous and i know you're thinking why doesn't she use the pronouns they/them. well she prefers to use the pronouns she/her and sometimes she dresses like a boy and sometimes she dresses like a girl and sometimes she's in between. She's honestly really cool and i wish i was more like her. also she's really honest i wish i could be that honest. *later that day...after school*. Honestly i just need to find a friend i can talk to about how i feel. i'm not trying to sound rude or ungrateful for kaylee but i feel like i can't talk to her about anything because she takes really long to answer her phone. so it's kind of hard i guess. i don't really mind it. it's just when i actually need something it's a tad upsetting. anyways goodnight i'm tired.   
11/1/17  
okay look i know i keep saying this but i'm going to do it this week. their is nothing stopping me. no one cares. the other day kaylee told me that she thinks i'm probably going to end up dying by suicide because i seem so unhappy and sad. honestly she's fucking right. when i die at least she'll get her wish right? kaylee will be fine without me. she doesn't need me at all. she has other friends and she's set with life. like yeah she's fucking depressed too but she'll get through it she's strong. in a way i honestly look up to her because she just wants to make everything okay for everyone around her and sometimes she neglects herself. which i think is utter bullshit that she neglects herself because she needs to care about herself. anyways idk where i stand with kaylee at this point. she probably just wants me gone like everyone else. yeah i'm going to do her a favor and just off myself. it'll be easier she won't have to carry me around as dead weight.  
i don't know what date it is so i'm not fucking dating this entry. today things got weird. i woke up this morning to a text from my mom saying how much she loves me and how beautiful she thinks i am. i mean yeah i love my mom and she's super nice but i have no idea that just made me feel shitty. because how can someone feel that way about me if i feel like i am the scum of this earth? i'm not going to school today and my mom is at work. so it's perfect i can grab the pills and just do it. i'm going to text kaylee though because i don't want her to think it's her fault ok ok ok ok ok ok what do i say? what do i say? uhh i can't give anything away i have to be subtle and sweeT OH also it needs to be short because short is good and nice ok ok ok ok. come on ezra think think thinking okay this is the text i decided to send. hey kaylee!! i just wanted to tell you thank you for being an amazing friend and i love you lots!! you've always been such a great friend to me. alright yup i'll send it right after i down the pills because that doesn't give her any time to think something is wrong. okay i take the pills with a huge glass of water. i'm going to put my journal on my book case. hopefully my mom will let kaylee into my room so she can look through my books and take this one. i get on my favorite outfit. sweatpants and a huge sweater because i feel like when i wear it my body gets lost in it and that's something i'm not confident about my body. okay bye i'm going to lay down on my bed. *in this next part ezra has not written it. this is what's going on after ezra lays down* as ezra lays down he hears a pounding on the door. but he feels way too drowsy to answer so he just goes to bed. kaylee bursts in and sees ezra and starts to scream. she calls the cops and so do the neighbors because they think someone is being fucking murdered. she tells them ezra has over dosed on what looks to be pain killers and seems to have just fallen asleep. kaylee keeps screaming ezra's name as she panics about what she can do she still is on the phone with the operator but she can't really hear anything he's saying. she's starting to have a panic attack and when she has those she cries and she can barely speak so now she's crying while trying to get the words out. suddenly the ambulance bursts into the house and they start doing their thing. as one of them screams "MA'Am please move out of the way we need to do our job" kaylee steps out of the house and feels lost and she falls to ground with a loud thud. she's passed out.  
*OKAY SO BASICALLY i'm going to start writing from different people's perspective for a while and if i don't like it i'm going to be switching back to just ezra. so instead of dates you'll just see the persons name with POV next to it. it will all still be written as if it was written in a journal so yeah OKAY BYE*  
KAYLEE POV  
fuck fuck fuck FUCK is all i can say. the paramedics had to wake me up and then they left with ezra. they wouldn't even let me ride in the ambulance with them because "i wasn't family". so basically i need to lock up ezra's house get his phone and call his mom. okay okay okay i can do this right? after i lock up his house i'm on my way to the hospital on the way there i call his mom. fuck this is going to be hard i have phone anxiety. okay i can do it this is for ezra his mom needs to know. *phone ringing* Mom: hello?? ezra?? sweetie are you ok? K: uh no ezra isn't okay. i'm kaylee ezra's friend and ezra tried to overdose on drugs and they're taking him to the hospital right now and i'm on my way too but i just thought you should know. Mom: OMG okay what hospital? is ezra alive? K: Green Rock hospital also tbh i don't know if he's okay or not but i'm praying he is. Mom: okay i'm on my way. call me if anything happens you'll probably get there before me.   
K: okay thanks will do. bye bye *phone call ends* FUCK now i'm crying great. why am i even crying? he's going to be okay isn't he? i don't know but i'm pulling up to the hospital now and they're rushing ezra out of the ambulance and i can't hear anything that's happening but i can tell they're yelling because the vein on one of the paramedics forehead is popping out. it's almost as if everything is happening in slow motion. but it's not it's all happening too fast and before i know it i'm running to ezra. i'm running along side the stretcher as theyre pushing him somewhere god knows where. some room somewhere in the hospital obviously. they're still yelling but i can't make out the words it all sounds like gibberish. all of the sudden i can feel my anxiety creeping up on me and i know i'm going to have an anxiety attack i know it's going to happen right here. my legs start to shake and i start to cry but why now? i need to know he's okay. why would he do this? i should've known he wasn't okay. i'm supposed to watch for those signs i'm his only friend. i'm supposed to be his rock but instead i was focused on me and only me wow i wish i could've told him how much i love him and that i care about him. that i want him to be alive. that i want to wake up and be able to call him. that i want to be able to do stupid ass shit with him. fuck all of this sucks. i wish he honestly knew how much i cared about him how much i truly needed him to be around me. he helped me feel better when i felt like dying so why couldn't i do the same for him? now he might die. ezra might fucking die. wow this is a lot to process. i need ezra i really fucking need him. if ezra makes it out of this okay i'm going to be a better friend and i'm going to pay more attention to him instead of worrying about the next fucking kyle lip kit fuck that bitch. okay bye i'm done for tonight.

*since ezra is in the hospital he can't journal. so these are going to be written as his thoughts and what's he's thinking okay? alright*   
*EZRA* What the fuck is all i could think when i woke up. i couldn't even get words out or sit up. why am i here? i'm supposed to be dead. i'm supposed to be watching my life flash before my eyes while i wait to get into those pearly gates up in heaven. im supposed to be meeting God. i'm supposed to be watching over everyone i loved. especially my mom and kaylee. i hope no one told kaylee she predicted this shit she knew i was going to do this eventually. honestly i wonder how she reacted if she was heart broken or relieved. she was probably relieved that she didn't have to deal with my shitty ass anymore. she probably smiled because her tag along would be gone someone who annoyed the living shit out of her. i mean she never said this to me but i felt like that was very truthful. i felt like when people saw her they thought of me as her tag along and her shadow. quite honestly i felt invisible when i was next to her but idk where i'm going with this. she's probably pissed off it didn't work and that i'm still here. my mom probably made a big scene but on the inside didn't care. she probably cried but didn't actually care it's okay though. man fuck i couldn't even get suicide right. do you know how fucking sad that is. i can't even take my own life and successfully do it. i hate myself so much. i wish i was gone. i wish i could just disappear it would be so much easier for everyone and for me. people say suicide is selfish but i don't believe that shit. when you're gonna kill yourself you often think you're doing everyone a favor so actually it's not that selfish. man people got this depression shit twisted. it's not like in the movies and it's sure as hell not how it is in most books. people think it's a joke and some people think it's an attention seeking thing but truthfully most depression people want nothing more than to not be seen and to disappear. hopefully i can fake being asleep long enough i actually fall asleep peace out.  
*TWO MONTHS AFTER EZRA BEING HOSPITALIZED*   
*EZRA'S POV*  
look journal i stopped writing in you for two months. why? because i couldn't handle it also i just felt no motivation because it took me a month to get out of the hospital and then after that i didn't know what to do with myself. so yeah i stopped writing but i'm back and i'm back because i'm going to try again. this time i'm only writing to kaylee so i hope she sees this when i'm gone. okay let's start. Dear Kaylee, I'm sorry again. i'm praying this time you don't find me. this time i'm not even going to text you because you're smart and you'll figure it out. this time you might not even fucking care. in the span of two months we've gotten even closer and i'm happy we have but i just don't think i'm the right friend for you. you're so much better than me. everyone loves you and everyone hates me. i'll be better off above. i promise that i will watch over you. i won't let anything bad happen to you because i love you and you are my best friend. i love you a lot. i don't throw around that word a lot at all. it's hard for me to say it to friends because i feel like that word is thrown around so loosely. i never say it to my friends and i know i've probably never said this to you but i really do love you and no not in the way like hey i love you let's get married no i love you like you're my best friend and i'll always be here for you. well i'll be here how i can because obviously i'm going to be gone. you can talk to me when i'm gone still. i heard a lot of people do that. i'll listen every time and i'll try to send signs. well if you're going to miss you. i've already bothered you so much in real life i don't know if i can do that when i'm gone too. well i'll have to work something out with God i think ya know talk to him? tell him i might need some special powers as a spirit to communicate with you. sorry idk where this letter is going. i just want you to know that i love you i really do and i'm sorry i'm doing this to you. i'm not happy hear and i'm all alone. none of this is your fault. if you ever need me just look up and i'll be there okay? not in human form but spirit form. thank you for everything kaylee goodbye. P.S. in case you're wondering i didn't date it becuase i didn't know when i'm going to have time to do it ya know? i didn't want to confuse anyone sorry.  
hello journal it's been like a week? i've been planning my suicide. look i know what you're going to say ezra you survived it's a sign you're meant to be alive. well guess what i call BULLSHIT i am just alive because kaylee made a surprise visit to me. i am just alive because God decided he was too busy to see me that day. i know this is fucked up of me to do. but what other choice do i have. people are constantly saying just be happy just be happy. well GEE thanks i didn't know you were suddenly a fucking doctor and that you could cure me by saying that. but lookie lookie cookie you did!! yeah take that a shove it up your ass. also if you're someone reading my journal and you find it before i die don't fucking tell me it's going to be ok. how do you know that? you know what i need when i wanna die? i need someone to be blunt and tell me it's probably not going to fucking be okay and maybe give me a reason or two to live. now keep in mind i don't go to anyone because i don't wanna bother anyone. do you know that kaylee has told me that she's here for me and this and that but yet i can't reach out to her bc what if she doesn't know what to say? that's horrible for me that makes everything worse because i need answers or i need something. anyways forget that who cares something happened where i got kinda happy and so it made me think i'm going to try living 2 more weeks and we'll see how it goes. i feel like maybe i should tell kaylee or idk maybe we will see. hopefully i'm not going to bother her. she has enough going on she's depressed too does she really need me making it worse? adding on to how horrible she feels? anyways if i do end up dying i want kaylee to speak at my funeral because she knows me well and ya know maybe she'll make everyone laugh. i have no idea where i'm going with this entry honestly maybe it was kinda dumb idk. anyways goodnight. sadly another day i'm alive. P.S. i'm also highly considering relapsing it's easier to hide since i don't have school and i don't see my friends everyday and i don't have PE and i don't have to change in the locker room. that's why i started just wearing what i wore to school because i didn't want anyone to see my slip up. to see what i had done. kaylee and i had PE the same period and the shorts were kinda short on me because i'm so tall. i mean she'd more than likely see it if i wore the PE shorts. she knows that i used to cut but the question is did she forget? i have no idea. but i can't show kaylee because then she'll be disappointed in me. anyways bye that was a super long P.S.


End file.
